He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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