bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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