I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
