My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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