i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
