ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
