I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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