Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
