Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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