i already hear my dad disowning me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
