True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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