All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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