dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
