hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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