Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
