It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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