Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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