Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
