Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
