well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
