apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
