my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
