I seem to have left my pride at pride
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
