I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
