Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
