I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
