i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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