were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
