Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
