I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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