Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
