batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
