Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
