You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
