it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
