How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
