Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
