he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
