i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
