I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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