1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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