The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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