you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Holy sore nipples Batman
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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