RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
