He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
ttyl tear gas
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
