if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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