I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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