party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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