I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
