Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
