just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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